


The Wonders of Time

by Kissthegirl98



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Addison shows up in flashback and journals at first, F/F, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rape/Non-con Elements, She'll show up physically a few chapters in, Suicide, Time Travel, but it's gonna get better soon, it starts of really sad, like really sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:54:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27050758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kissthegirl98/pseuds/Kissthegirl98
Summary: It's Christmas time and the Shepherd family has gathered for the occasion. Two empty place settings, memories, pictures, and a huge hole in everyone's heart is all they have left of the two deceased members of their tribe.Their father left this earth and created a chasm in the family. It was the worst thing to ever happened to the family. They couldn't imagine anything worse. Until a week before Christmas 15 years ago when their sister died. To say the family never recovered is an understatement. And yet, her death seemed to close that chasm that their fathers passing created. The remaining members of the family realized what they had to lose and vowed to forever cherish each other in honor of their father and sister.Years have passed and together they healed from their father's death, but they weren't able to do the same for their sister's. They just couldn't understand why. It killed them and they would give anything to have her back. But that's not a possibility.Right?
Relationships: Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery
Comments: 3
Kudos: 14





	1. Empty Seats and the Last Journal

**Author's Note:**

> So this is most definitely a Meddison fic. Addison is Derek's sister and Amelia twin. She died fifteen years before the story takes place. I'm not sure what else I should say cause you'll figure out most of it as you read. The last thing I'll say is that I kind of got this idea from watching the adjustment bureau. 
> 
> I'll let you know about anything else in the future.

It was December 24 in the Shepherd childhood home and the modest four-bedroom house was filled to the brim. Carolyn was in the kitchen with Kathleen working on dinner while Nancy and Lizzie were in the living room. The two sisters were playing a board game with two of Kathleen’s middle children, Gracie and Keith. With kids being shooed out of the kitchen, yelling coming from the basement where most of the boys were watching the football game, and the girls and younger children running in and out of rooms, the house was complete chaos. And Carolyn wouldn’t change it for the world. She had almost everything she needed this Christmas within ten feet.

Derek and Mark were home after their surprising move to Seattle had them missing the last two Christmases and with Amelia finished with her fellowship, she had time to make the five-hour drive upstate to visit this year. Everything was almost perfect. Almost being the keyword, but Carolyn had long gotten used to the ache in her heart that came from this time of year. There are only two people who could soothe the dull pain she’d been feeling for some years now. One, in particular, is that of her second to youngest daughter, Addison. She missed her. Missed her more than anything in this world. Given the choice between bringing her husband back and her daughter, she’d choose her daughter. She's pretty sure without question. 

Her husband’s death was heartbreak, soul-crushing, earth-shattering. But her daughter’s? It was like someone ripped out a piece of her so deep in her body, she’d never known it was there. When Addison left this earth, so did the air in her lungs, and although she still inhales and exhales, day in and out, she can safely say she has yet to get the breath to return the same way it left that day. It’s with that thought that Carolyn sighs and finishes the meatloaf. 

It's been fifteen years, one week, two days, and some change since her beautiful redhead’s death. And she knows her girls feel it too. Mostly when they all sit together at the table for dinner. Looking around at the table with two place setting there, but no one to occupy them. The shepherds had gotten into the tradition of setting a table for their father after his passing. Addison’s idea or should it be said that Addison just didn’t stop setting his place and would take her seat next to it as it was when he was alive. 

After Addison’s passing, the siblings had continued to set their father’s place and from then on set Addison’s too. Now it was a tradition that the whole family participated in during the holidays and other family dinners. With those two place settings empty, it was clear to see just how missed the two were in this big family. 

Putting the meatloaf in the oven, Carolyn walked over to see how Kathleen was doing on the carrots. “You know, this was her favorite time of year.” Kathleen said solemnly, putting the diced carrots in the pea and corn mix. “ I know. She just loved everything about it. From the weather to the music; the way it made people act towards each other. She loved every bit of it.” Carolyn responded reminiscent. “It was her season.” was said with a chuckle. “She did use to say that, didn’t she ?” Carolyn questioned with a smile. “ Yeah, she did. And she had the most beautiful voice. Daddy used to love it when she sang to him. Probably why she was his favorite.” Kathleen said with a sad smile. “ Dear…” Carolyn started with a sigh. “ Your father lo--” “Loved all of us equally? Mom, I’m not doubting that daddy loved us to the moon and back because I know he did, but come on, we all know who was his favorite.” Kathleen finished with a knowing look to her mother. No malice or jealousy in her voice, just a bit of melancholy. “Oh sweetheart, your father shared a special bond with Addie, but she wasn’t his--” “Yeah she was mom and it’s ok. We all knew it. And we all knew why. It was because she looked--” “Exactly like his mother.” They finished the last part together, a sullen look falling into both of their eyes and a tear even coming to Carolyn’s. As a slew of children came rushing inside through the kitchen from their snowball fight outside, Carolyn quickly dabbed at her eyes while Kathleen went to continue with the dinner. With the kids putting their snow soaked clothes away, Carolyn went about making them some hot chocolate. 

In the living room, Lizzie and Nancy were in the midst of one of their favorite board games, Life. “Hey mom, can we play with you and aunt Lizzie next?” Erica, who at fourteen was Nancy’s oldest, points to her younger sister by two years, Claire. “Well, what do you think Lizzie?” “Yeah, I’m sure we’ve got another game in us before we call it quits. Still need to get that dutch colonial.” Lizzie finished with a laugh and the girls happily sat on the couch and talked as they waited for their turns. It wasn’t long before the game was interrupted as thundering little feet came down the stairs. 

Looking up Nancy caught sight of the three children trying to scurry away with something. “Hey, come back here!” was yelled across the living room and the three small children, seemingly knowing it was for them, came back in the room not a second later. “Come here.” The three walked to the middle of the living room, in perfect view for their mom and aunt. “Tyler,” the name was drawn out carefully, by Lizzie. “You wanna tell mommy what’s behind your back?” Eyebrows raised, she stared him down, waiting for him to give in. Head hung low, Tyler removed his hands from his back, showing her the contents. In his hands, he held a Tiffany blue leather-bound journal; the only thing that kept it from opening was a white string pulled around it and twisted around a circle knob. Running her hand across the front to wipe away the dust that had collected there, she asked her son and his two cousins, “Where did you get this?” Looking at his cousins before putting his gaze back to the ground, Tyler stayed silent, in hopes the moment would pass. “Tyler, Jacob, Rebecca...where did you get this from?” Tears welling in her eyes from knowing the wrong she committed, Rebecca confessed. The five-year-old hated getting in trouble and her mom always said you get in less trouble if you tell the truth. “We got it from the no-no room.” Was the whispered answer. 

The no-no room was Addison and Amelia’s old shared room. The door had remained closed for the last fifteen years; the children all being taught when over at grandma’s never go inside the room on the right of the bathroom. The door was to remain closed and no one was allowed inside--hence no-no room as it’s been named by the younger kids. (As they get older, the children learn not to mention it.)

Looking down at the book, Lizzie untied the string and opened the book. Right in front, in beautiful flowing cursive, was the name, Addison Adrienne Shepherd. It was her sister’s. Her dead sister’s. She had never seen this before which is unsurprising because, when Addison was alive, she and Lizzie didn’t get along well and once she passed, well the door to her room hadn’t been opened since Amelia moved out of their shared bedroom for the basement. She couldn’t sleep in a room she once shared with her twin sister that was now dead. That was the week after her death and they hadn’t done much exploring in the week prior to that.  
Having completely forgotten about the kids, who by now have gotten the hint that they are off the hook, she turns the first page and reads the date. “Nancy ...I think this is Addie’s journal ...the last one that she wrote ...before…” “Let me see?” With her hand, outstretched Nancy eagerly accepts the journal from Lizzie. Flipping through pages and skimming words, Lizzie’s pulled partially out of a haze by the announcement of dinner being called. 

With everyone rushing from all corners of the house, Nancy and Lizzie are the only ones left in the living room; the kids playing with the board game having left a while ago to help set the table once they realized their mother and aunt were now occupied. “Liz, Nancy, we’re just waiting on you two.” Is yelled by Derek from the Kitchen. Lizzie fully brought back to the present now, shakes Nancy, who startles with a questioning gaze and misty eyes. “Dinners ready Nanc, why don’t you just leave that here.” She suggests, but Nancy just shakes her head and wipes her eyes, “ I’ll take it with.” and moves past her. 

Sitting at the dinner table, the family says grace and starts to pass around the food. Once the food has been served, Nancy goes back to reading. “Jessica, no reading at the dinner table. You would think after so many dinners you would know the rules by now.” Carolyn reprimands as she catches Kathleen’s fifteen-year-old daughter and second oldest. “Sorry grandma, I just figured since aunt Nancy was reading you were going a little lacks on the rules this year.” Jessica replied with a shrug. “ Nancy, that rule applies to you too.” “Nancy, I’m serious. No reading at the dinner table. I didn’t allow it when you were seventeen and I won’t allow it now.” Carolyn says after her earlier assertion seemed to go unnoticed. 

The rest of the table seemed to be looking between Nancy and Carolyn, not sure whether to laugh at the impending punishment or duck for cover as Carolyn was due to explode at any second if Nancy didn’t soon follow her request. It was when Nancy leaned over her husband to get Lizzie’s attention about something in the book, that Carolyn finally exploded. “Nancy Jean Shepherd, give me that book right now!” She said as she slammed her hand on the table. Nancy’s head snapped up at her and everyone turned silent. Carolyn was getting redder by the second. “Mom, I can’t give you the book.” was said with a quivering voice and tear-filled eyes. Looking at her daughter’s state, Carolyn questioned softly “Why can’t you give me the book?” “Because….you can’t read it. And if you take it, you’ll look at it, you’ll open it, and….you’ll read it. And you can’t read it.” the last part being said in a husky whisper as tears rolled down her cheeks.  
Nancy’s husband, Bill, put his arms around her and looked at her worriedly, just as everyone else at the table did. “Sweetheart, why don’t you want me to read it?” “Because….” “Because, why dear? You can tell me. You can tell whatever it is---” “She doesn’t want you to read it because it’s Addie’s, isn’t it? It’s Addie’s and whatever is in there is gonna break your heart because it probably has a lot of the answers we’ve been looking for, doesn’t it?” Amelia questions in such a matter of fact way, it’s more a statement than a question. 

There’s a long silence and Derek is the first to break it. “How do you know it’s Addie’s?” He questions Amelia, still gazing at the book in Nancy’s hand. “She used to have one all the time when we were younger. I guess she would finish one and get another just like it. I didn’t know she kept writing though; she got more secretive as we got older.” She replied with a sigh.  
“Nancy, give me the book.” came Carolyn’s soft command. When Nancy shook her head no, tears still falling from her eyes, Carolyn closed her eyes. She set down her utensils and stretched out her hand. “Honey, please, just give me the book. Please.” It was the crack in her mother's voice in her final please that made Nancy give in. It was a crack she hadn’t heard in years. One that followed her father’s death, disappeared and made a comeback following her sister’s.

Nancy handed the book down the long table as it was passed from person to person until it reached Carolyn. Part of her wanted to set the book aside, continue dinner and wait till tonight to read it, but a bigger part of her, the part that needed answers, told her to open it now. She had waited fifteen years to know why. Why her sweet girl would do what she did. She needed to know why.


	2. The Unthinkable Happened

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning//: This Chapter definitely features very graphic depictions of rape. Please don't read if that's something that would offend, hurt, or really just cause you any type of pain. I don't want anyone to be caught off guard by this. 
> 
> There are other parts to the chapter so if you wanna read, but just not that part, go from the start of the flashback to the end of the flashback. That's the part that's super graphic.
> 
> Hope you enjoy it.

Opening the journal she wanted to turn the page to where, hopefully, the familiar and heartbreaking date would be at the top. But something stopped her, she’s not sure what exactly, but it did. She flipped to a page dated two weeks prior. It read:

_December 4_

_Dear Daddy,_

_I know that I usually start off by running through my day, but I really need to tell you something. Something happened. Last night...there was a party at Rachel Downen’s house. The whole school was invited, but I still wasn’t gonna go. I mean, everyone’s invited, but that usually doesn’t mean me. I took it as if it didn’t mean me, but then Amelia asked if I was going and when I told her I wasn’t, she practically blew a gasket. Long story short, I ended up going. It’s not like I had other plans. Mer was out of town for some funeral, so that meant I was flying solo for the weekend._

_Amelia and I went together, but she ended up ditching me for some guy, I think it was Tavis Grayden. Whoever it was, she was gone almost as soon as we got there. I don’t know why I let her talk me into going, but that’s my fault. If I didn’t want to go, I shouldn’t have gone. I wish I hadn’t gone. Daddy….I….there was this girl, she just, she seemed nice. She seemed really nice and I was alone and she was alone and I wasn’t even expecting anything to happen. I didn’t want anything to happen. I have Mer! I would NEVER! But I was alone and she was nice and she said the music was too loud and I thought so too. I didn’t even know, I didn’t know that it could happen….that it was possible for a girl to….I can’t say it. It’s so humiliating. I feel weak and stupid and...and...and I don’t know, but everything hurts. I hurt and it hurts there too. Where she….Daddy, she raped me. She raped me and I didn’t even think girls could do that. I didn’t think it was possible._

_She just….she sat next to me and we talked. She said she didn’t really come to these things and her friends ditched her too. We talked and I thought ...maybe I had actually found a friend. She seemed to like the same things I did. I just wanted someone to talk to at the party. Maybe at school too. I mean I have Mer and she’s great, but I can't say that I didn’t wish I had a friend._

_We were talking and the music was loud and she asked if I wanted to find someplace quieter cause she thought it was loud too. So, we left the house for the backyard and we went to the pool house. The light was on. There were people there. It was like anything anyone described. Or at least it wasn’t at first cause we were there in the living room part of the pool house and there was still a small group of people there. We were talking on the couch and then I had to use the bathroom, but when I came back out, she was gone. I figured...maybe she had to leave or something. I guess I thought I should check to make sure she was gone. I went towards the back of the house. It wasn’t even that big. It was actually really small. There was only a small living room /kitchen, one-bedroom, and a bathroom. I thought to check the bedroom, so when I opened the door, I was pretty happy._

Flashback

“Hey, I was looking for you out there, but...you left.” Addison finished lamely. She was nervous. She wanted this girl to like her. She didn’t have many friends. Any really. Well, she had Amy, but not only is that extremely complicated, but she’s also her sister. And she had Meredith.

She loved Meredith, she really did, more than anything, but it’d be nice if she had a friend that wasn’t her girlfriend or her sister. She wanted this girl to like her. And she hoped she wasn’t coming on too strong or not getting the hint that her new maybe-friend didn’t want her around. “Sorry, I just decided to look around and the view was really beautiful from here.” Addison’s new “friend”, Kelsey, replied without looking at her. 

She was sitting on the bench in front of a bay window. “Why don’t you come sit.” Kelsey said as she finally turned to look at Addison. Rubbing her arm as it hung limply at her side, Addison walked over to the bench and took a seat with her back facing the wall next to the window. One of her jean-clad legs rested on the bench as the other hooked over it. She pulled the sweater she had on tighter around her shoulders; her body turned towards Kelsey’s as she looked out the window. 

She had to admit, Kelsey was right, the view was great. The house sat on a hill and the room was towards the back of the house. You could see Sixtown pond perfectly from here. “It really is a great view.” Addison says as she looks out towards the water. “yeah, it is.” Kelsey replied. It was a few minutes before Addison turned her head towards Kelsey again. She was looking at her. If she was honest, it made Addison really uncomfortable. 

Shuffling her nervous gaze from the floor to the door, at Kelsey, and back at the window, she questioned her new friend. “What?” Addison looked at her while pushing a few stray hairs from her face. Without warning, Kelsey pushes forward and kisses her. Shocked and stunned, it takes Addison approximately 3 seconds to push her away and shoot up from her seat.

“Wha-what are y-you ...what the hell was that?” Addison wails puzzledly at Kelsey as she follows suit and stands. Kelsey, who did have the decency to look somewhat apologetic, had her hand up in a surrender motion and stepped closer to Addison. “I’m sorry, I just got this vibe that you and I played for the same team, you know?” She shrugged as she put her hands down. 

“No, it’s not--that’s not it. I am or I do or whatever. I just have a girlfriend.” Addison started pacing, something she did when she was stressed. By now Kelsey’s apologetic look was replaced by a smirk. She stepped close to Addison, stopping her pacing and taking her by the waist, turning her so they were face to face. “That’s ok” Kelsey laughed, “she doesn’t have to know. I don’t know about you, but I only see two people in this room.” She said with a smile and looked down at the redhead’s outfit. It was with that statement Addison noticed the situation she was in.

As she looked around, she saw they were alone with the door closed, the sounds that were outside in the living room were most definitely quieter if not non-existent, and she was trapped between Kelsey and the bed. “I really think I should be going. I n-need to find my sister.” Addison stuttered as she pushed Kelsey’s hands off her and tried to squeeze from between her and the bed. “Hey, hey, where are you going? We’re just talking. You don’t have to leave. Amelia’s fine. You can stay, I know you can. I know you want to.” Kelsey whispered in her ear as she wrapped her arms around Addison from behind. 

Addison's face turns into a frown as she struggles to get Kelsey’s tight grip from around her. “ I do not want to stay! I want to leave!” Addison said loudly. She was scared. Her thoughts were going a mile a minute. _“This type of thing doesn’t happen to girls by other girls. And definitely not in Henderson, where the scariest thing to happen is the mailman delivers your mail to your neighbor. Nothing bad ever happens in Henderson. And this isn’t something that can happen. Girls can’t rape other girls, right?”_

Addison was trying everything she could, but Kelsey had trapped her arms so she would stop trying to push hers off. She got a desperate look on her face when she was pushed to the bed face down. As she hit the plush of the duvet, she felt a weight push her into the bed. She could barely breathe with the weight and her panic wasn’t helping her get any extra air. Addison forced all the energy she had to help remove her arms from under herself and push up on the bed. 

Her efforts were met with a hand grabbing her right hand and trapping it between herself and the weight and then another going out and grabbing up her left with the same treatment before she could even catch her breath from her exertion. Addison felt one hand grab up both and hold them at the wrist, holding them and gripping them in a way where the tendons were being painfully pulled. She couldn’t move her hands or wrist or her arms from the way they locked in place behind her back. She soon realized she couldn’t move her legs either. 

The way Kelsey’s knees were placed on the back of her legs, she couldn’t move them. It felt like there was extra weight put on her upper back and butt, and when she tried to turn her head it just got pushed more in the covers. There was panic, desperation, and fear coursing through every single one of Addison’s veins. 

She couldn’t move and she couldn’t breathe and she couldn’t get out. She was trapped and she didn't know what to do. She wanted it to stop. If she could just get head turned maybe she could-- “I don’t know why you’re fighting it. I mean really, who doesn’t want sex? I mean that’s the whole reason people come to these stupid parties. What? Have you never had sex before; is that it? Well...why don’t we just check, huh?” She heard Kelsey chuckle as she yanked down her pants just enough to be right below her butt. 

Kelsey's fingers traveled down into her folds and rubbed her rough and aggressively. Her nails were untrimmed and left stinging cuts everywhere. Addison sucked in a breath and made something between a groan, grunt, and cry as two of Kelsey’s fingers entered her and created tears as they went. 

“Hey, hey, it’s ok, you’re not a virgin. Trust me, I checked.” She said with a whispered laugh into Addison’s ear. She continued to thrust her fingers roughly in and out of Addison. “You’ve done this before, but you still feel so tight, that girlfriend of yours must not be treating you well. That’s ok, baby, I’m here now. I’ll take care of you.” Kelsey finished with a kiss to the side of Addison’s face. 

Addison had managed to turn her head, but all thoughts of screaming were gone. The only thing she could think about was the pain. The pain and Kelsey’s hot beer breath as she breathed right on her face. 

Addison’s eyes were bulging and she had her teeth gritted together. Her breathing was rough and harsh and came out every time she was thrust into. Every few seconds or so the pain would be too much and she would squeeze her eyes shut and cry out in agony. “Plea-- ahhhh, pl-ease, st-sto--huhck, stop, shchut-huhck, p-pl-ea, huckh.” Addison begged and pleaded as best she could between the shots of pain. “Shhhhhhh, baby. It’s ok, you’re ok. God, you feel so good. You’re warm and tight like a little glove for my fingers. I bet you taste good too, mhmm.” Kelsey said in a whisper and smiled. 

She kissed along Addison’s face as she continued her motions, blood starting to trickle out of the redhead. Eventually, Addison started to go into a haze. She only made the involuntary noises from the pain. Her mind was completely blank as her eyes seemed to focus in and out on the window. She could see the stars in the night sky. She also seemed to be able to breathe again, well physically. She still felt air trapped in her lungs even as she breathed. She wasn’t sure, but she thinks she feels something wet and slimy between her legs. It really didn’t matter anyway because it was gone pretty quick or at least she thinks it was. 

She’s not sure how long she’s been laying here because throwing a glance to the window, where there were once lights everywhere from the surrounding houses on the other side of the lake, there’s now darkness. Using the little strength she had left, Addison pushes herself up onto her feet only for her legs to give out. She landed on the floor face down and rolled onto her side gasping and crying in pain. Gritting her teeth together, she manages to get onto her hands and knees. 

Straightening up, she looked down at her legs where blood had trickled down and dried. Addison covers her face with her hands and sobs. She sobs for what feels like an eternity. Soon she manages to calm down enough to pull up her underwear and pants. She tries to stand again, but it’s hard. Almost all of the other girl’s weight had been on the back of her legs. They were bruised and wobbly and she struggled to put weight on them. Addison put a hand on the wall to steady herself as she stood. 

Leaning with her stomach facing the wall, she rested her forehead on the wall as wished for nothing more than to be home and curled up in bed. That and for the pain from in between her legs to disappear.

End Flashback

\------

Putting the book down, Carolyn feels a slight jostle of her arm. She looks to her right and sees her son shaking her arm, although she barely feels it. Come to think about it, he seemed to be talking too, but she can’t hear him. If she’s honest with herself, she can hear anything except for this constant ringing. 

Maybe if she tries talking to him, letting him know she can hear him then he’ll be able to stop the ringing. Derek turns his head away from Carolyn to someone down the table. When She looks at the table she sees most of the children are gone and the only ones left are her sons-in-law, who are carrying the crying, smaller children away, and Derek. 

She sees Mark come on her left side, she hadn’t noticed him before, he takes the book and puts something else in her hand. He pushes her hand and the object in it up to her mouth when Carolyn realizes that it’s a brown paper bag. She sees Mark doing some kind of weird breathing and motioning towards his chest. Something inside her compels her to do it and as she does the ringing gets quieter. She can now hear what Derek’s saying now. 

“Mom? Mom, can you hear me?” His voice is slightly fuzzy and sounds far away, but she can hear him, Nodding her head, Carolyn answers her son’s question. “Ok, good. You’re having a panic attack. I need you to stay calm and just follow my breathing. In and out. In and out. Good, keep going. In and out.” Derek says. 

By now, Carolyn’s breathing had returned to normal. “Mom, what happened? Why did you ...what was in the journal that made you get so upset.” Carolyn dropped the bag, but then she started to sob as she looked into Derek’s concerned filled eyes. Derek wrapped his mother in his arms, allowing her to cry into his chest.

“Derek, you need to read this,” Mark said, having picked up the book while Derek was trying to calm her. He wanted to see what Carolyn had read; try and find out what had upset her so much. With tears in his own eyes, he holds the book out for Derek to take. 

Still holding onto his mother, Derek takes the journal with a confused and worried gaze. With the book still open on the page Carolyn had read, he skims the page before reading carefully towards the end of the entry. Tears in his eyes, Derek puts the journal down, letting it close, and holding his mother tighter.

When Addison was alive, they had a very rocky relationship. Addison had a rocky relationship with all of her siblings, but her relationship with Derek was the most tumultuous. It was all rooted in the fact that Derek was there when their father died. He saw what she did and he blamed her for his being killed. He constantly brought it up when they were fighting, but it didn’t mean he didn’t love her. He did, truly he did. He just had a lot of anger towards what happened and it was easier to blame his sister’s “stupidity” than admit it was merely the actions of an evil man. That there was no greater meaning and there was no other reason his father was shot except that the man was cruel.

Reading what she wrote had brought Derek back to a time when his sister was alive. He remembered just how badly he treated her and felt nauseous. This is what his little sister had gone through while he was busy making her life a living hell because he could deal with the hell raging inside himself. It was with that thought that Derek quickly detached from his mother, turned towards the nearest garbage can to throw up. The sudden guilt was burning a hole in his insides. Derek sinks to the floor. He sits on the ground, elbows on bent knees, fingers jammed in his hair, crying. Seeing them and feeling the same, Mark crouches in between both Derek and Carolyn. Stretching his arms out, he places a hand on both Shepherds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any questions you have, please let me know. I'd be happy to clarify. Also if you ever notice a mistake or something, let me know that too. As always, I would really love to hear what you think, so criticism is welcome as well as any ideas!
> 
> Thanks for reading.


	3. The Secret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! So I did a double update just because the last one featured some heavy content. 
> 
> TW//: There's some homophobia and slut-shaming. There's also some victim-blaming, but that's mostly from the victim.
> 
> In this one, it's going to sound like I'm blaming them for what happened to Addison, but that's just how they feel. The same goes for any of Addison's feelings.  
> Happy reading and I hope you enjoy it!

Composing herself again, Carolyn looks up at the two men in front of her questioning them about her other children. “Where are the girls?” She asks them. “We left with the older kids. Figured we may have a better explanation of what happened, but….” Nancy responded with a shrug as she appeared from the stairs; Kathleen, Lizzie, and Amelia following. 

“OK, I need to know. What the hell is everyone reading in there that’s got everyone who’s read it so, so….messed up?” Kathleen asked frustratedly; a worried look on her face. “And don’t tell me that it’s Addie’s journal because I think we’ve covered that. I want to know exactly what--” “ She was raped.” Derek said bluntly from the floor, his eyes red-rimmed and puffy from the crying. “What...are you talking about.” She replied. 

“It’s right there. She wrote it herself. She went to some party and some girl raped her.” “What party? When?” Amelia asked as she sidestepped from behind Lizzie. “I don’t know. Some girl’s party. Robin, Raquel, Rache--” “Rachel. Rachel Downen.” “Yeah, that’s it.” Derek looks up at her sullenly. He looks completely drained. 

“No, no no-no. No, that’s, that’s not possible. I remember that night. Addie and I went together, there’s no way--” “It says you left or at least you split up. You went with some guy--” “ Tavis Grayden” She says, a look of realization coming to her face as well as tears to her eyes. To hear that something so terrible, so awful, completely unimaginable, had happened to her sister (basically right under her nose) was more than she could bear. She took in a shuddering breath as tears welled in her eyes. She needed to sit down, that was the only clear thought that was running through her mind. Everything else seems too muddled for her to process. Her sister was raped. At a party, they went to together. One Addison hadn’t even wanted to go to. One that Amelia promised she would stay with Addison at. One that at the first chance to talk to a now completely unremarkable boy, Amelia took it and ditch her. One where her own memory blurs after about an hour and a half there so she knows she had no knowledge of her sister’s whereabouts. The sister who was raped. The sister who didn’t want to go. The sister—And the thoughts continued to circle like that. A cruel cycle of blame that she barely even made awareness of let alone take control of. Amelia sat at the table, eyes focused intently on the glossed over wood. Of all the things that could have explained what happened, a list curated over fifteen years, hundreds of options to choose from, and that hadn’t even made it to the honorable (or dishonorable) mentions. 

As Amelia sat there trying to process the role she played in her late sister's journey to an early grave, the rest of the family seemed to need less time to understand and process the same thing. “You left her?” Nancy said incredulously. The disgust practically oozing from every syllable. Though Nancy could probably be considered the fourth-least judgemental of the Shepherd siblings, She still had a knack for never letting go of a chance to shuck any blame completely to one person ( She and Derek both sharing that trait). They were kind of a judgemental bunch. Each having varying degrees from not really giving a shit to judgment day/rapture type shit; the first being Amelia, the next Addison, but she was….well, Mark, Nancy, about fifteen empty spaces, Liz, Kathleen, a space the size of Africa, and then Derek. 

“You completely ditched her for some guy who even when in high school could barely get by with a 1.5 GPA. She didn’t even want to go and you just had to convince her. And then...You. Left. Her.” Nancy wasn’t even yelling. It seemed like some sick joke. While Addison had a rocky relationship with all of her siblings, her and Nancy’s could probably be categorized as one of the best she had. Even after their father’s passing, when all of her siblings in some way blamed her, they were still close. Even when Nancy went to college, they called each other at least 2-3 times a week. 

It wasn’t until Addison was a Sophomore that there started to be a distance between them. She didn’t know why. She had tried asking Addison when she came home for winter break. All Addison said was she couldn’t talk about it and Nancy wouldn’t understand. Addison had quickly avoided her by spending most of the break with her “friend” Meredith. 

As Nancy continues to rip into Amelia’s silent form, she suddenly stops. A dawn of realization on her face. “OK, Nancy! That’s enough. I think we all understand what happened. There’s no reason for you to cut into her like a maniacal weed wacker.” Leave it to Mark to come to Amelia’s defense 5 seconds too late. Admittedly, he was probably trying to get her to stop for a lot longer than she was aware. Nancy being too swept up in her own tirade to notice. 

“You said she was really secretive the last couple of years?” Everyone’s eyes still on Nancy, but no one saying anything due to both the swift change in topic and not knowing who she’s addressing. 

“Amelia!” Amelia coming out of her reverie looks up at Nancy in shock as if she had forgotten she was there. Fortunately for Amelia, it seemed she was too stuck in her own mind to take note of Nancy’s earlier assault. “What?” “You said she was really secretive the last couple of years, right? That’s why you didn’t know she was still journaling.” “Yeah, she just kind of kept to herself when she was home, which was never because she was always with—“ “Meredith.” “Yeah.” Amelia sighed, remembering how little time she spent with her sister was hard. It always felt like she hadn’t tried hard enough. 

“She was gay. That’s why, well I’m assuming that’s why.” Realization coming over the faces of those who had read the journal and confusion on the others. With everything else they read, that seemed to be put on the back burner of their minds. “What do you mean she was gay?” Kathleen, too overwhelmed by what was happening and unclear about everything, questioned. “She means Meredith was Addie’s GIRLfriend, not her best friend,” Derek said from the floor. He hadn’t moved. He still felt sick to his stomach and didn’t want to chance his unstable feet on what felt like shaky ground. 

“She wrote it. She said she told the girl she had a girlfriend. She said her girlfriend was Meredith. Or a least it was hinted at pretty hard. Either way, she definitely said she was gay.” 

He spoke with an empty voice. He felt drained and it wasn’t just from what he put in the trash. “When I came home from med school when Addie and Amelia were sophomores, I asked her why she was blowing me off and not taking my calls. She just said she couldn’t tell me and that I wouldn’t understand. She must have been so scared and afraid of what we would think.” Nancy spoke quietly beginning to sit down. She needed to take a seat. They all did. Liz and Kathleen walked over to the table, each letting out a shaky breath. Everyone had tears in their eyes. Fifteen years and the wound of her death never having closed. The new information felt like a piercing phantom pain of an amputated limb. They loved her, so much. She was their sister, daughter, friend; their family. And if only they had paid even an ounce of attention to her. If they hadn’t been so mean, neglectful, and wrapped up in their own bullshit….then maybe, maybe she would still be here. 

“Derek, give me the journal.” Kathleen requested from her position at the table. “Kath, don’t….it’s not something you want to read. You already know what happened.” “Derek. Give me the damn book.” With her arm outstretched and face set, it was easy to see how she had managed to be the oldest of six children and a mother of five herself. Never faltering once her mind was made up, a look that gave no room for discussion. 

Derek, only moving enough to hand the book off to Nancy who in turn gave it to Kathleen, looked at her with wary eyes. “Kath, why are you—“ “I’m not reading that. Your right. I know what happened. You all read it and look at yourselves. There’s no reason I need to either.” The last part coming out whispered. 

Kathleen felt a chill run down her spine at the thought of reading that entry. She couldn’t possibly stomach it, so she turned a few pages. “I wanna know about after. I wanna know what—“ “You want to read about….” The look in Mark’s eye and the shudder in his breath made it clear what he was talking about. “NO. No, I-I’m not—I don't know if I could read that. But I want to know what happened to her after the party and before….before.” Kathleen stopped at the page that read December fourteenth. Parts were smeared but that made it seem important. It was a week before. “Do you want me to read it out loud? I don’t have to, but I figured….” As she trailed off, she looked around the room. At Mark’s nod, she began to speak aloud.

\----

  
  


_ Dear Daddy, _

_ Today was not a good day. Everyone at school is talking about how I slept with Kelsey. Everyone knows what happened without actually knowing anything at all. They’re saying I’m a slut and whore and skank because Kelsey told a bunch of her friends she slept with me and I guess someone overheard or one of her friends told someone else. I don’t know but now people are coming up to me, people that never gave me the time of day, asking me if I want to come to their house later or go down to sixtown. And it’s not just girls, not that that would make it any better, but guys are saying it too. They harass me for being gay, but then guys ask if I wanna hookup. I’m apparently too gay for the straight kids and too straight for the gay kids, at least that’s what Ozzy Price says, whatever that means. She came up to me and asked if I wanted to catch a movie or something. When I told her no, she called me a stuck up bitch who’s just looking for attention. She said that the reason everyone hated me was because I was too gay for the straight kids and too straight for the gay kids. I told her that they hadn’t even known I was gay until a week ago. She just shrugged and said maybe it’s cause they didn’t want a murderer around. I just...daddy, I just want it to end. I didn’t mean it. Really I didn’t. I just, I was scared and I always went to you when I was scared. If I’d known what would happen I wouldn’t have— _

The rest of the paragraph was too smeared from what looked to be tears. Kathleen put the book down, not able to continue reading because of her own tears that had turned to sobs reading her sister’s pain-filled words. Covering her face with the hand that was free, she dropped the hand with the book held in it into her lap. Turning towards Amelia, she laid her head on her shoulder and continued to cry. Amelia takes the book out of Kathleen’s hands but makes no move to continue reading. From his place on the floor, Mark stands to take the book from her. He swallows at the state of the page in front of him. “The rest of the page is too smeared to read.” He picks up the reading on the next page where the letters are no longer smeared. 

_ \--locker a note fell out. It was from Mer telling me she wanted to talk and to meet at our place at three-thirty. I wasn’t sure I should, but I haven’t seen much of her since the breakup. I missed her. So much. I guess that’s why I decided to go. Walking to the park doesn’t usually take a long time, but this time I chose to go the long way. To think. Try and gain some strength. This talk or whatever it was, wasn't gonna be good. And I was confirmed in that because when I got there five minutes early, she was already there. _

Flashback

“Hey.” Addison says tucking a stray hair behind her ear. “Hey.” Meredith replies, looking up from her position on the swing. Stepping across her, Addison takes a seat on the swing adjacent. They rock slightly on the swings in silence for a couple of minutes, each holding the chains with both hands. “So….there’s some stuff going around at school...about you.” Meredith starts. She doesn’t lookup. Her gaze glued to the ground where her black converse are kicking at the woodchips. “I didn’t think you listened to the stuff that went around school.” “I always heard what they said Addison, I just never cared or believed it.” “And now?” Addison didn’t want to chance a look at Meredith as she questioned. She feared she would see in her eyes, what she saw in everyone else’s when they looked at her: disappointment and regret. “And now what? Do I care or do I believe it? I don’t want to care and I certainly don’t want to believe it.” “But….” Addison finally looked up at Meredith to see her eyes met with tears. “But you don’t tell me anything! You won’t talk to me! You won’t see me! You broke up with me!” Meredith said loudly as a tear left her eyes and her hand moved emphatically with her words. Addison’s lip quivered and her eyes gathered tears as she watched Meredith. “Just talk to me. Tell me what’s going on. You know you can tell me anything.” Meredith pleaded with her, but Addison remained silent. Turning her head away from Addison and looking up at the sky, Meredith bit her lip and said, “If you won’t talk to me then I just have to go by what I hear.” Looking straight ahead and shaking her head, Meredith turns back to face Addison. “They’re saying you slept with a lot of people. There’s a lot of names and most I don’t believe, but there’s one name that keeps coming up. Kelsey Dunn. Out of all the people they said you had sex with, she’s the only one who continuously comes up. Every time. Now, I’m going to ask you this and you need to give me an answer. The whole thing. No half-truths. No omissions. All of it. Ok?” Addison nodded her head and said, “Yeah, ok.” “Did you sleep with her? Did you cheat on me?” There was a beat before Addison opened her mouth to answer and then closed it. “Addison, I need you to answer me.” Addison turns away from her to look forward. “Yeah, I did.” She says, tears trickling down her face. “No! You’re going to look at me. Whatever you have to say, if it’s the truth, can be said to my face!” Meredith yelled as tears ran down her own face; her heartbreaking with every second this conversation continued. Looking in her eyes once more, Addison thinks “ _ It was the truth, wasn’t it? I did cheat. I had sex with someone that wasn’t my girlfriend. I’m a cheater no matter how it happened. I was still with another girl. _ ” “Yes, I cheated on you. I slept with her.” Addison said with a shaky breath. “That’s it. Nothing else you want to say?” Meredith questioned her. Addison opens her mouth again to speak, thinks “ _ maybe I should tell her. _ ” But when no sound came out, she realized she was incapable of divulging her secret. She simply closed her mouth, swallowed, and replied, “What does it matter?” Throwing her gaze to the other side, Meredith nodded her head and said, “Ok.” She got up, looked to the ground, and said ok once more before turning towards Addison and twisting off the ring that lay on her right-hand ring finger. She drops it into Addison’s lap and as it falls to the ground, she turns and leaves without another word.

End Flashback

_ She gave me the ring back daddy. I lost her. She was all I had left. This family….they won’t want me after they find out about what happened. What I am. It’s a small town and people talk. I’m surprised they don’t already know, but honestly, I give it another week if that. I know Amelia’s heard the rumor. Found that out the hard way. We got in a stupid fight. She said that Tavis dumped her because he thinks and I quote “Addison will be a better lay than her on her best day.” She said that Tavis heard from Ryan and Donny and Rick and like twenty other people, which she didn’t forget to mention, that I’m a sure thing and I’ll do anything and everything. She didn’t mention Kelsey so who knows what she actually believes. It’s clear she only cares about how she was affected in this. I know I sound mad daddy, but I’m not. If anything I’m hurt. Amelia and I are twins. When one of us is hurt, the other feels it. She broke her arm once and 20 miles over, I felt it. I get a cut while I’m outside and she already has a bandaid waiting for me when I get in the house. She feels every pain I do and me, her. Why can’t she feel this? Why couldn’t she feel it when it happened. Why couldn’t she feel it when it hurt days after. When peeing burned so bad, I held my bladder for almost a full day. I hurt so much. It’s so deep, it’s almost like I’m drowning in myself. And she can’t feel me gasping for air. No one can see me literally sinking into the ground. It’s like quicksand. Every little thing sending me deeper yet there’s no branch or rope to grab onto. But can I really blame them? They have no idea. I haven’t said a word. And it’s not like I haven’t been given a chance. Mer asked if there was anything else I wanted to say. Mom said if there was something wrong after that night. Even Amelia asked if I was ok. All I had to say was no. That I was not okay. That something was wrong. There was so much more. But if I say that, then I have to explain. And I can’t explain. The words barely form in my head. I haven’t been able to say it, even think the words since I told you. There’s just too much happening and I need someone, anyone. And I have no one. _

Mark finishes the words with a choke. It was so hard to read those words. In the last fifteen years since her death, Mark, just as everyone else had, wondered why. What had possessed her to do it. He went over his time with her. Continuously ran through it with a fine-tooth comb to try and understand. See where he had gone wrong.

It seemed impossible to move on in light of this new information. Moving on before hadn’t ever really been possible, but now it just seemed out of the question. They just loved her so much. No matter what it seemed like. No matter how they handled their father's death. How they handled her subsequent distance over the years. She was loved wholeheartedly. They just wished they had made her see. Told her. Showed her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any questions you have, please let me know. I'd be happy to clarify. Also if you ever notice a mistake or something, let me know that too. As always, I would really love to hear what you think, so criticism is welcome as well as any ideas!
> 
> Thanks for reading


	4. Somethings Never Change

Two thousand plus miles away, a woman boards her flight from Seattle to New York. As she takes her seat, the woman gets her phone out and makes a call. 

“You’ve reached Dr. Amelia Shepherd. I’m currently unavailable at the moment. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.” 

“Hey Amelia, it’s Meredith. I just made it on my flight. We should be taking off soon so you can tell mom I’ll be there at around seven tomorrow morning. I decided I’ll just get a cab; no need to come get me. See you when I get there. Bye.” Ending her message, Meredith releases a sigh and runs her fingers through her blonde hair. 

This time of year was always hard. Well, that wasn’t really true. Every day of the year was hard. This time of year was brutal. She was glad she still had the Shepherds. No matter what happened, they became her family. 

It wasn’t easy at first, but eventually, she learned it was better with them than without. Being around them, in that house, the town, well it hurt so bad that sometimes she feels like she can’t breathe. Makes you kind of wonder why she continues to go every year; every holiday, special occasion. The answer being simple. 

She feels so much closer to her there. 

The pain she got from being there was better than any picture she could look at. No matter how much time passed, going back home always brought the memories back in full force. The wound always felt so fresh, which made the memory of her that much clearer. It was a little masochistic, but this is how it was and it wasn’t going to change. 

Taking the necklace that hung from her neck into her hands, Meredith grips it tightly. She moves it around until she has it between her thumb and index finger. Inspecting the ring at the end of the chain, she hopes the memories come without the pain. (Just because she continues to go despite the pain doesn’t mean she likes it.) 

She swallows the lump in her throat before placing it back under her shirt and closes her eyes. All these years she’d worn the ring around her neck, only taking it off when absolutely necessary, and she still can’t look at the damn thing without getting choked up. 

If Meredith were honest with herself, she had long since given up on moving on. It became painfully clear that wasn’t in the cards for her when she realized she couldn’t even let go of her family. 

She was woken up what seemed like a second later by the flight attendant saying they’ve landed. She looked around, seeing everyone else had already gotten off, she thanked the attendant sheepishly and got her bag. Looking at her watch, she saw that if she could get a cab quick, she should make it home by seven-thirty. Everyone will be awake and there will be enough happiness filling the house to drown out her perpetual melancholy. 

Hailing a cab, she closes her eyes for the twenty-minute drive to the Shepherd residence. As if she can feel when they’ve reached the town, she opens her eyes and takes a deep breath. Though Meredith had hoped it’d feel different this time around, as she did every time she came home, she knew it wouldn’t. The same sharp pain cut just as deeply. 

She looked around as the cab passed by shops and homes, seeing her smile and hearing her laugh. She just sighed resolutely. This was why she came home wasn’t? To feel like this? It was the only way she could hear her laugh the way she used to. Close to her ear and breathless. So happy and free from hurt and pain. 

An ‘I love you’ and kiss soon to follow. Meredith could swear she actually felt the warm air and those soft lips graze her. The weight of her arms resting on her shoulders. Her hands clenched as if to grasp what was no longer there. She closed her eyes again and let a tear fall. They were almost there; she needed to get herself together.

As the cab pulled up to the house, Meredith paid the driver and exited the car. She walked up the drive and was reminded of a time when the people in this house weren’t family. They were the people that ruined her life by taking the one thing that mattered to her from her. Standing there in the driveway, she could almost feel the tears from that day as they streamed down her face.

Flashback

Pulling up to the curb, Meredith turns off her car and rests her head against the steering wheel. 

She thinks to herself “Am I really going to do this?”, but she can’t think. Not now. She’s here to get her stuff. She needs her stuff, so she is going to get her stuff. 

She knew it was only the day after Christmas. Only three days since they buried her, but she needed it. Exhaling and taking a second to look at herself (red-rimmed eyes, pale, and tear streaks covering her face), she exits the car, makes sure to grab the duffle she brought with her, and marches up the drive. She stops at the door to take another breath and then she knocks.

It takes a minute, but eventually, Mark opens the door. 

“Mer? What are you doing here?” “I just came to get my stuff.” She pushes past him into the house and sees most of the siblings in the living room minus Amelia. 

She knows for a fact Carolyn is holed up in her room. A phone call from Mark took care of that, practically begging her to come by and….well she’s not sure…..commiserate? She starts up the stairs after shifting a small glance towards the sullen group. 

“Hey! What are you doing?” 

“Where is she going?” 

“Meredith come back!” 

She can hear them all, but she really doesn’t give a damn. She was on a mission and she would finish it. When she finally reached her destination, she entered without so much as a knock. Amelia shot up from the bed on the other side of the room with a confused look. 

“What the hell? What are you doing?” Meredith ignores her and heads for the closet. 

There's footsteps pounding up the stairs now, but they don’t matter. The only thing that matters is getting her stuff. 

She starts taking clothes out and putting it in the duffle. “What the fuck? You can’t do that! That’s Addie’s! Put her stuff back!” Amelia is off the bed by now and red as a tomato. She’s even tried grabbing some of the clothes Meredith forced into the bag, but Meredith quickly takes it from her. 

“It’s not hers. It’s mine. I let her borrow it and now I want it back. Keep your damn hands off my stuff.” She glares Amelia down and snatches the clothes back. 

She throws a glare towards the people at the door, practically begging them to test her. She continues to stuff the clothes in the bag. Hoodies, jackets, sweats. Almost half the closet belongs to her. 

Once she finishes with the closet, she starts on the rest of the room. Stuffed bears, books, even the photos. 

“Ok, wait a minute, you can’t take everything! Not everything belongs to you!” Lizzy is quick to sidestep her brother and sisters to get further into the room. This is all they have left of Addie and if her crazy ass friend thinks she can take it all, she got another think coming. 

“I bought the bears and the books. I’m only taking the photos that I took.” Meredith doesn’t even spare her a glance as she zips up the bag and walks out of the room. 

“You can’t just take everything! If you gave to her, then it’s hers, not yours anymore.” Nancy seems intent on not letting her get away with this. 

She chases her down the stairs and grabs the bag. Her siblings getting there in time to see Meredith snatch it back. She grips it tight knowing that she is going to do anything and everything to leave with this bag. She didn’t come here for a fight, but she figured she might just get one.

“You're talking about me taking everything. Oh, that’s just rich. Your entire family is nothing but takers.” Meredith is looking at the Shepherd children with absolute disgust and unfettered hatred. 

“What are you even talking about?” Meredith rolls her eyes at Derek’s question. 

“What am I talking about? What are you talking about? You can really be so deluded into thinking this isn’t all your fault? Especially you Derek.” 

“I don’t know wh--” 

“You don’t know what I’m talking about? How about the fact that you managed to blame the entire demise of your family structure on a seven-year-old. How you never let her forget the fact that you put her at the center of blame for your father’s death.” 

“You don’t know a thing about what you're talking about!” Kathleen screeched. 

“Jesus Christ! Get off it, Kathleen. Because you did it too. You all did it. You all made sure she knew just how much you blamed her up until the day she fucking died. God, you’re all so fucked up and you can’t even see it. 

You used her as a fucking familial punching bag because it was easier to blame her reckless naivety than on the man who actually killed him. You could actually hurt her. See her pain when you throw all your shit on her. 

And I bet it felt fucking good. It felt fucking amazing to hurt the person that you blamed the way they hurt you. That’s why you blamed her, wasn’t it? Because if you blamed him there’d be no one to hurt. 

But Addison? Oh she’s right there. She can take it. And she did. She took every nasty remark, condescending look, and all the neglect. You managed to fill her up with all this self hatred and guilt and even when she had nothing else, nothing left of herself….” Meredith was sobbing so much at this point she couldn’t even talk. 

She was so mad at them. At herself. That they couldn’t see it, couldn’t see how bad she was hurting until it was too late. 

She could see how bad her words affected them. Kathleen and Liz had silent tears streaming down their faces. Too shocked by her words and the truth they could hear in them. 

Nancy was on the floor crying, hard, and holding Amelia. Amelia, for her part, had practically fallen to the ground and pulled her knees to her chest. She was openly sobbing with her head resting on her knees. Derek and Mark, both in tears and angry, the former didn’t want to see her truth for what it was and the latter saw it too much. 

She knew she was hurting a family that had already been through so much, but this is what they deserved, wasn’t it? It’s not like she was lying. 

“You killed her. I don’t care what anyone says. You killed her. You ruined her life and you ruined mine. You took the single most important thing from me and I hate you for it. I don’t care if I take every last thing that she held sacred. It’s not like you cared about it when she was alive.” Meredith whispered the final part of her speech. 

She was so done with these people and their utter self-righteousness. She turned around without another thought and walked out the door.

Back in her car, she let out a breath. Here she could be honest with herself and know she hadn’t really wanted to say two words to them. When she said she hated them, she didn’t lie. She did. But she also didn’t care about them. 

Sure, it felt good to let them know just how responsible they were for Addison’s death. To get them to stop deluding themselves into thinking they were a picture-perfect family members who did nothing but love and support their sister. 

But in reality, all she wanted was to get her stuff. Not because it was hers or she bought it like she told them. It was because it all smelled like her.

Her mom had washed her sheets and pillowcases the day before she got the call about Addison. Sometimes her mom got in a real cleaning mood. That's why she also took both her and Meredith’s cars to get cleaned inside and out. Wash all their clothes and bedding. Sprayed the upholstery, until everything smelled like fresh linen. Because of this, even though Addison spent a considerable amount of time at her house, nothing smelled like her anymore. She had gone days without it, not showing up until days later when it felt like the too clean air was suffocating her.

As for the pictures, while they didn’t smell like her, you can never have too many memories of someone who’s no longer with you.

End Flashback

Inhaling the cool air deeply, she reaches the door and knocks. Some things never change. 

**Author's Note:**

> So that was chapter one. Hope you enjoyed it. I would really appreciate any and all critique. I'll try and update before the end of the weekend. After that, it'll probably be weekly.
> 
> Also, I know Meredith was pretty absent in this chapter, but don't worry you'll see her soon.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


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